2. Contracting the stomach flu while you are at your parents' house the following weekend. While being sick with your mom there to take care of you is of course preferable, eventually you will have to leave her warm embrace and tender ministrations and take the Amtrak back to DC while trying to conceal your stomach flue from the rest of the passengers on the Quiet Car. Not recommended. Eventually you will wind up back at your apartment, laying on your bathroom floor, clutching your blackberry in one hand, sipping Pedialyte with the other and wailing to the stomach flu Gods. I also don't recommend having this particular strain of flu for five full days, although you will finally hit your goal weight through sheer starvation.
3. Don't worry though! You'll immediately gain that all back and more (once your appetite returns) through stress eating. See, after you recover from the flu? You are moving! In two days! And you haven't packed anything at all because you've been laying in bed (or on the bathroom floor) trying to choke down Gatorade and watching NCIS marathons. So you'll throw all of your belongings into bags and boxes haphazardly with no system, rhyme, or reason. Don't do this. For the sake of your sanity, do not do this.
4. Actually, just don't move at all. Even if you wind up as a squatter in your old apartment. Because the alternative may very well be living in Boxlandia, where you find cable boxes in laundry hampers and kitchen knives mixed in with college PoliSci textbooks. To top it off, nothing will work in your new apartment. Your icemaker will make brown ice. Your washing machine will not wash things and make strange noises. Your mailbox key will not open the mailbox. Your dishwasher will spew water all over the kitchen floor. Your dryer will have CHEWING GUM THAT HAS BEEN IN A STRANGER'S MOUTH stuck to the inside. You will begin to lose your mind.
5. You will come to Blogger and pour your feelings out into a rambling, incoherent post. Hi guys! Don't be like me.
